it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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