I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
