proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
