my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
