sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
