Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
