those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
