I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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