I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
