I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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