Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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