dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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