At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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