What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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