my phone needs a breathalizer
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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