one might say we're banned from that church
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
