Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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