after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
