So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
