First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
