I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
im calling her cock vulture from now on
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
