Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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