Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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