I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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