I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
