My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
