Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
