I just threw up on my dentist
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
