He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
