either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
