i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I would ride that face into the sunset
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
