I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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