Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
