so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
