i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
