You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
