Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
