Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
