When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
