Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
