Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Your penis caused this!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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