if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic