Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
