weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
