It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
