the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
