Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
