what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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