just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
