If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
