Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
