Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
