My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
