Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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