you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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