i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
