I need to stop coming to work sober
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
