I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
