you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I fill condoms, not promises.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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