Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
